Timshel

Careers I am Now Considering

1. Construction Worker. Specifically, the one who holds the STOP sign and alerts oncoming traffic that if they were to proceed past me and my sign they may be in danger. The biggest challenge would be not getting drunk off the power.

2. Waitress. I’m considering moving to a small town, so small that there is only one diner and a lot of interesting locals who eat at it everyday. I imagine myself in a sassy waitress outfit pouring some coffee and greeting people,”Hey Joey, the grilled cheese with the crust cut off coming right up, how’s that infected toe of yours? What did the doctor say?”

3. Poacher. I would only poach animals that were going to be captured by city zoos because from my experience, the animals would be better off dead than trapped in a tank or cage with only a wall of plastic separating them from fat America. 

4. Gravedigger. I figure working at night in a cemetery would be spooky and my coworkers might possibly be even spookier. And this appeals to me.

5. Nun. I mean what can REALLY go wrong when The Lord is your boss?

6. Garbage Bin Archivist. A step up from dumpster diving, I would make money off scouring files and archives retrieved from filthy garbage bins for legal reasons.

7. Hand model. My face might be busted but my hands are kind of lovely.

8. Fortune Cookie Writer. I think the wisdom I’ve acquired from my 23 years would be appreciated by the masses of overweight consumers eating at Panda Express. Ex: “Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outside. Lucky numbers 2 15 3 7”

9. Stand-In Bridesmaid. I’ve always been a friend to the friendless, neurotic and the obsessive compulsive. So why not meet some more friends and help out a poor bride who needs the same number of bridesmaids to groomsmen on her very special day,

10. Bounty Hunter. This job is dangerous and could possibly result in my death, but the pay is  great and I’d be willing to take the gamble.

All at Sea

There’s an expression “all at sea”, it means to be bewildered, unable to understand. Originally it was used to describe the condition of a ship out of sight of land and in danger of becoming lost. I think it’s a valid expression of being 23 years old. There are many moments when I feel all at sea.

Usually I don’t like to write about my fears when I haven’t yet found a resolution, it feels similar to writing an essay with no concluding paragraph- or whining. I’m also always hesitant to solidify feelings of hopelessness into words because I am no poet. Times of transition, self doubt or sadness usually produce those journal entries I re-read years later and groan over how dramatic and inarticulate I am. This will probably be one of those entries.

I mostly worry about time. I don’t know if it’s a product of being young, but I always feel like my life hasn’t yet begun. It’s always scheduled to begin “after high school” or “once I graduate college” or “once I meet the right person”-whenever. Because of this, I worry that soon I’ll be old and that scheduled life will never have arrived.

This scheduled life includes four things I know I want for certain. 

I want a home somewhere. A place to fill with books and art where I can read, cook, garden and invite people into. But mainly I want to always have a place waiting for me to come home to. Security. A family.

I want to travel. I love the idea of roads. Roads are everywhere, connecting place to place, some must be empty or deserted and those are the ones I’m most interested in finding.

I want to meet people. People who grew up in India or Africa or Texas or anywhere that wasn’t where I grew up, I want to experience those people’s everyday lives. Be immersed in different cultures, really get to know someone. I like really knowing people, knowing what makes them tick. And you can’t discover things like that unless you spend a good amount of time with the person, and that usually requires you to stay put somewhere for awhile.

I want to feel important. Valued. I would love to be a writer, professor, artist, journalist, economist, philosopher, astronomer, lawyer. Someone who has a vision and a voice, who could reach all different types of people. Impact people in a significant way. Something I’ll never even come close to accomplishing if I don’t choose one person to devote my time to becoming.

I worry that I don’t have enough time to do everything I want. I worry that everything I want contradicts itself, that I can’t have it all. I worry that I’m wasting time. There’s too many choices and I can’t make up my mind, and certain choices are so important. And once I do make up my mind and I’m required to put my true abilities out there to be tested… I worry that I won’t be brave enough.

All at sea.

Josie Grossie

I realize how truly gross I am more and more everyday. For example, the other day at my work there were free breakfast burritos. They were pretty hearty, full of eggs, meat, cheese, and fat. Most people politely cut them in half or took bites of other peoples. I was being really sneaky, circling the burritos until everyone was distracted, and then grabbing one. And then another. And one more. I took them back to my desk and spent a good fifteen minutes alone, in complete and utter nirvana, concentrated and focused on consuming these burritos, until I looked up and a co-worker was standing over me. “How many of those did you eat?” I looked down at my hands in shame.

And just yesterday I was eating a chocolate marshmallow cookie covered in nuts at my desk, the marshmallow and chocolate smeared all over my hands and probably on my face, when suddenly a person appeared next to me and screamed out in horror “JENN!”  I realized I was unconsciously wiping my grubby hands all over my chair. “Is that why it looks like there is feces all over the chair all the time???” I tried to explain. I couldn’t. 

The thing is, I don’t think about these things, and I never think anyone is really paying that much attention to me. And no one really should because left to my own devices, I am Josie Grossie.

Life Wealth

I think about money a lot. Mainly how to get more of it, because being poor is really putting a hold on my life plans. Money can buy a lot of comforts. It can allow you to have dinner parties with your friends in a beautiful house or apartment, or have a family where your kids can take karate classes and go to college, or take trips and travel all over the world, even just enough of it is nice. It’s peace of mind to have enough to know you can afford to go to the doctor if you had to, or be able to pay rent and buy enough food for the month. Money can even grant you status and (sometimes false) feelings of significance or self worth. But real wealth is more complicated than just what’s in your bank account.

Sometimes I wake up really early and go for a run. It’s always really quiet and the world feels still. At the end of my run I get to watch the sun rise. And I definitely feel rich.

Today I was looking through an old photo album searching for a picture of my mom and ended up spending an hour looking through old photos of my parents, brother and I growing up. Pictures of us at pumpkin patches, playing tag at a park, all four of us dressed up as mice for Halloween, my brother and I as little kids wrapped up in our parents arms. And when I sat down for Mother’s Day dinner with my parents and brother I realized my family might be really wealthy.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from one of my best friends that I read and then put in this old hat box I keep in my room which is full of everything special to me. I imagine everyone as having one of these boxes, the one where you keep the important things. Mine has letters. Letters written to me from everyone, my grandparents, dad, friends, teachers, old boyfriends. I save everything anyone ever writes to me. There’s also old photos, ticket stubs, drawings and journals. These things aren’t of value to anyone else but this box is what I would choose to lock up in a safe like expensive jewelry.

I wish that everyone could have enough money to be able to feel truly wealthy. Because it seems like both people with too much money, and those with too little get robbed of being able to feel wealthy in life.